So, it's basically been 5 years since I posted here. Oops. I'd like to revamp this blog and make it how I contribute to my own sanity and happiness. And if I'm able to contribute those things to others, so much the better.
I've been practicing Buddhism since I was a teenager- mostly in the Tibetan tradition with some efforts in other lineages.
I'd really like to complete the Tibetan "preliminary" practices. The trouble is that my life is not at all set up to do so: I typically work 12-14 hour days; my body is not especially cooperative with the physical yogic practices; I need time to spend with my partner and time just to rest. Unfortunately, in this collapsing capitalist empire, I need to work as much as I do in order to pay my bills and student loans.
I've made more progress in these practices in the past 2 years than in any previous years, but that isn't saying much. My prostration board has grown cold since the holidays. I practice the Bodhicitta section when I can.
The flipside is that I need these practices more than ever. I'm angrier, sadder, more distracted, more confused, and less self-disciplined than at any other point in my adult life. It's really shocking. I regularly make poor decisions that surprise even myself. Perhaps the only benefit to having become more impulsive and bold is that I can channel that into positive things sometimes. Push past pain. Be shameless in the good way.
In the past six months it feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under me in the most severe of ways leading to all sorts of dark states, but there are a few benefits to this. I don't seem to judge myself all that much for my shortcomings. Or, well, I judge and sometimes feel shame about some of my actions but without much added self-aggression. And the fact that my mind seems so reactive and confused is definitely a needed wake up call. I hadn't realize the extent to which I'd let myself go.
So... time to do some work.
refuge/prostrations: 57,000
bodhicitta: 15,800
mandala: 0
vajrasattva: 0
guru yoga: 0
